Real World Breakup Advice, Episode 4

Reader’s Question: “She Still Talks To Her Ex Husband?”

“Hi Ricky I need some advice.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me… Here is a little back round to understand our relationship: I met her 4 months ago. She was living in Texas and lived with her boy (he is 2 years old). I met my ex through my brother when she was home visiting her family  in San Jose (where I live). I knew she had an ex husband she was still living with, but all I heard was how shitty he was. Needless to say we hit it off right away and she was flying back to see me for the next 3 weeks.

Then she moved back to San Jose. She basically lived with me for about 2 months even though all of her stuff was at her parent’s house. The issue was she is still on a 2 year lease with her ex, she left her dog there. All the bills and the lease was in her name only. Obviously my ex girlfriend was in a tough spot and didn’t want this dude (her ex husband) to screw her over on the house lease and he owed her money. She would still talk to him and I admit it did bother me. She wouldn’t post any of our pictures on face book when I would. I just have a feeling she is not over him.

After we’d been dating for about 2.5 months I took her to St. Lucia and we had the trip of our lives. I never saw it coming. She had been staying at her parents a bit more, but I thought it was because she started her new job and her work was right by her parents. We had an argument one night when she didn’t call me after work and she was out with some friends. I handled it wrong. I was so used to her being at my house every night I felt she should let me know if she was coming to my house or not. She felt different. A week after we got back from St. Lucia she said she needed to slow things down. I was supposed to go to L.A with her for her brothers wedding and she uninvited me but still wanted to date. But in all reality I think she was trying to be nice, even though we slept together that same night. Obviously I didn’t know how to handle this. We went out that night. She stayed over and things seemed fine.

The next day we went out with some friends bowling. She dissapeared for a bit and I found her outside talking to her ex husband. I blew up and we had a big fight in public. Then we actually broke up and I did the dumb shit of telling her I needed her and pleading for her to come back. I called from different numbers and repeatedly called her. Big mistake.

We had dinner a few days later and she said she has hopped from relationship to relationship for the past 5 yrs and needs some time to herself. She said she wanted space. All I felt was rejected and couldn’t believe this was happening. She basically moved back home for me, lived with me and now was telling me things were moving to fast. Then a week after we broke up we hung out on a Sunday and slept together again. I can tell she cares, but she said she doesn’t want me to have any expectations. I have tried calling a few times since then but she doesn’t answer. She has texted back, but very bland texts. Nothing with any structure. Kind of cold. I just don’t know if I should use the no contact rule or what.

Then 3 weeks after we broke up we went out to dinner. It was fine, she didn’t seem like she wanted to be there though. We went back to my place and she said no sex. Then she left 10 minutes later. She would kiss me but then pull away. I am just at loss on how to handle this and how to get her back. I am head over heals for this girl and her ignoring me just baffles me because it happened to fast.

Two days after we had dinner I told her, “I know you could give a shit less about me, but I wanted to tell you one last time how much I loved being with you the past three months. I don’t know where things went south, but you are an amazing person and I hope you nothing but the best. As hard as it is I am realizing as much as I want us to be together it is not what you want. I have not been myself the past few weeks. I know I handles things wrong, but it just hurts. I dream about you every night. Hopefully some time will allow you to find yourself and heal from your last relationship. I know I need to heal from ours. I hope you don’t regret moving back here. Hopefully our paths will cross later in life. Take care… Love you babe.”

I haven’t talked to her in a week since I told her all of that…  I was supposed to go the wedding next week. I really want to send her a text the day of the wedding saying I wish I was there with you, just to make her think. Do you think that is a bad idea? Should I just leave her be? Any help would be great, thanks a lot!”

My Response: “Step Back & Go Slow”

“Hi Parm, hopefully I can provide a little insight into your situation.

First of all, it sounds like the entire relationship moved very quickly…. you met your just a few months ago, and you were already basically living together within 2 months, correct?  Relationships that escalate so quickly often end up in fireworks if one person (in this case, your ex) suddenly “wakes up” to the fact that their life has changed very dramatically in a short period of time.  That can cause some people to pull away and second-guess the relationship.  I suspect this explains your ex’s desire to ‘slow things down’ around the time you two went to St. Lucia together.  (Great choice, by the way — I’ve been to St Lucia and it’s a fantastic & romantic island.)

Anyway, you’ve already admitted that you made a mistake in begging and pleading with your ex girlfriend.  You can’t take that back now, but you need to realize that these “weak signals” (begging, pleading, telling her how much you still love her) are not going to help you and should be avoided at all costs moving forward.

It sounds like the last time you saw your ex, you clearly expressed to her how much you still love her and want her in your life…. that message was sent loud and clear, and it’s a great way to start the month-long “no contact” period.  You said you’ve made it a week without talking to her, which is a great start, but now you have to keep up the radio silence for another 3 weeks.

I know it’s difficult to refrain from texting or calling your ex, but you *really* need to go through with the “no contact” period.  Your ex girlfriend was very clear about her need for ‘space,’ and the best thing you can do right now is show her that you’re not controlling or possessive… these are traits that sometimes really turn off women, especially if they’ve been with controlling men in past relationships. (definitely sounds like her ex husband was a bit of a control freak, too.)

So, let me be perfectly clear:  you need to go a month without talking to your ex girlfriend at all.  That’s the very best thing you can do at this point.  Sending a text about the upcoming wedding is, in my opinion, a bad idea.  Wait until she contacts you or until the month-long “no contact” phase ends.  Doing anything before then will almost certainly push her further away from you.

Good luck Parm, let me know how things pan out.”